


The Worst

by alchemystique



Category: Once Upon a Time (TV)
Genre: F/M, Gen, Other, Pure and utter crack, This is crack, enjoy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-03-07
Updated: 2014-03-07
Packaged: 2018-01-14 21:36:23
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,845
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1279729
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/alchemystique/pseuds/alchemystique
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>His life is so weird, weird weird <i>weird</i>, he used to think it was <i>so cool</i> but who the hell would believe him if he told them David Nolan was his grandfather - oh and also Prince Charming, no, seriously, like, the actual, real life husband of Snow White - and his mom is around here somewhere, probably figuring out the amount of time it takes to break in and sneak past security, or cataloging every emergency exit on campus. <i>Weird</i>.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Worst

**Author's Note:**

> I really don’t know what this is, I just was thinking about Jared and Colin and Sean all hanging out and somehow I got to thinking about Henry growing up and this happened?

**The Worst**

"Is that your _dad_?”

Move in day has been pretty hectic. Henry has spent the last hour moving boxes up to his room with the help of Killian and Gramps, and to be perfectly honest it’s mostly just been a battle to get the two of them to stop carrying up boxes two and three at a time in some kind of macho competition they still haven’t outgrown. 

Killian’s in one of those double vee teeshirts that make Henry want to gouge his own eyeballs out (the man’s chest hair must be allergic to being covered, or something, seriously), and Gramps is in nothing but a wife beater, the sun shining bright and hot in the parking lot, and his RA is hardly the first person to notice the two of them.

He actually saw a girl _fan_ herself as Gramps walked through the quad, and honestly, _how is this his life_?

"Uh, no, that’s my grrrr - uncle."

(His life is so weird, weird weird _weird_ , he used to think it was _so cool_ but who the hell would believe him if he told them David Nolan was his grandfather - oh and also Prince Charming, no, seriously, like, the actual, real life husband of Snow White - and his mom is around here somewhere, probably figuring out the amount of time it takes to break in and sneak past security, or cataloging every emergency exit on campus. _Weird_.)

"Huh. What about _him_?”

She nods her head at Killian, who is gulping down a bottle of water, leaning against the car, his hair all over the place and WHAT EVEN IS HIS LIFE??

“ _That_ is my stepdad.” _My mom calls him Hook, as in Captain Hook, also a real person, me, no, I’m not crazy, I’m totally normal._ \- things he doesn’t say.

"Huh," she says again, totally distracted, eyes doing that thing where Henry call tell they’re undressing the object of their intense interest.

"Yeah, uh, they told me to come to you for, like, maps and stuff?"

She blinks, turning to look at him finally, her cheeks a little pink as she explains orientation, and meet and greets, and the hundred other things she’s probably rattled off to freshman for the last three semesters.

Henry thanks her and stomps off across the parking lot. Killian is halfway into the backseat of the car, yanking at a box of books in annoyance, grunting at the thing, and at least three girls and two amused mothers are watching his progress.

"Seriously, you are the worst."

Killian knocks his head on the door frame as he turns to look at Henry, and as he rubs at it Henry can’t help but feel a little gleeful about it.

"I’m sorry, lad?"

"Can you _stop_ putting on a show for all the sex-starved moms already dealing with empty nest syndrome.”

"You tend to use incomprehensible slang when upset, my boy. What have I done to offend _now_?” 

(Henry _may_ or _may not_ have yelled at him on the drive in for singing along to a rap song on the radio. With the windows down.)

"Just. _Stop_ putting on a freaking show. Put on a scarf or something.”

"Ah. I see. I can’t help it that I’m rakishly handsome, young Mr. Mills."

Henry rolls his eyes at the name. “You’re doing this on purpose!” he says in a stage whisper, and Killian’s eyebrow shoots up. He looks appropriately apologetic as realization takes hold, and lets out a deep sigh.

"It’s perfectly alright to be nervous," he tells Henry, reaching blindly into the backseat again. All he comes up with is a beat up old henley Henry had thrown back there, like, four months ago that is probably at least two sizes too small and no. just…no. He shakes his head. "Whatever. Why do you always have to wear such tight _pants_?”

"Oh, its my _trousers_ now too?” Killian is amused, now, and that stupid smirk is going to turn one of these poor freshman girls into mush, damn it.

"Shut up."

Killian’s gaze darts up and softens a moment before an arm drops across his shoulders. 

"What did you do now?" his mom asks, staring across at him, and Killian smiles.

"Apparently I’ve suddenly decided to toss you off in favor of using my low cut shirt - your mothers pick, by the way - and tight jeans to seduce the, ah…sex starved mothers gathered here today."

"Let me know how that goes for you."

"Wonderfully so far, if Henry is to be believed."

"Well, I can’t really blame them. They’ve probably never seen that much chest hair on display all at once outside of an underwear ad."

Henry groans, ducking under Emma’s arm. “You guys are seriously the _worst_.”

——

"So, uh…your step dad."

"I’d rather work on this project like we’re supposed to."

"Yeah, sure, totally, it’s just…are he and your mom married?"

"Nope."

"Huh."

"I hear that word a lot when talking about my step dad."

"It’s just, why aren’t they married?"

"My mom is weird."

"Yeah, but doesn’t she love him?"

"Can we just work on the project?"

"I mean, because, hypothetically, completely unrelated to me _at all_ , if I was shacking up with that, I would put a ring on that so fast -.”

"Oh my god, my mom and Killian are literally True Loves, you actually can’t get any closer to it than those two unless you’re, like, Snow White and Prince Charming, and my mom could kill you with a toothpick for even having dirty thoughts about him - can we please work on the project now?"

——

"Wait so… you have two moms."

Amelia is nice. Amelia is one of his better friends, a girl he can sit and talk with and laugh with and have incredibly serious conversations with without it getting weird, and he’s kind of surprised that it’s taken this long for her to get to his family tree.

"Regina is my adoptive mom. Emma is my birth mom."

"And you have two stepdads."

"Killian and Robin, yeah."

"And you have an aunt and an uncle named Mary and…"

"Mary Margaret and David."

"Mary Margaret is a mouthful, why doesn’t she just go by Mary?"

Henry shrugs.

"And you’ve got a stepbrother named Roland. And a sister named Maia - Regina’s kid, right?"

"Yeah."

"And your father…"

"He died. A while ago."

"Sorry."

Henry sighs again, fingers slipping through tendrils of grass as they sit together on a patch of grass under the big oak tree. 

"And your grandfather. Gold? And he’s married to a woman named Belle?"

"Yeah."

"Seriously, how do you keep track of everyone. Thanksgiving must be horrendous."

"You don’t even want to know. They’re the worst."

——

Two weeks before finals Killian and his mom drive down to see him, and when he gets the text that they are an hour out, his mind instantly goes catastrophic, thinking about witches and curses and portals and ogres, and when he meets them out on the quad he’s already gone through half a dozen apocalyptic scenarios.

"Is everything okay?"

"Yes?" His mom is acting strange, eying Henry uncertainly, her hands tucked into her coat - she hadn’t even hugged him, yet.

"Guys. I literally have fifty pages to write, three tests to study for, and a final project that’s worth forty percent of my grade. I love you but unless the world is coming to an end I don’t know why this couldn’t wait til winter break."

"Take a study break, lad, and have dinner with us." 

Henry narrows his eyes suspiciously but they don’t budge, so he just shrugs his shoulders and tells them he’ll be back in a few minutes. If his mom wants to buy him food that doesn’t come from the school cafeteria he is _all_ for it.

They go to a steakhouse, and by the time they’ve all ordered and Henry has slurped down his first Coke he’s ready to bash his head in because they still haven’t said _anything_.

"What."

"Huh?"

"Why are you here? Is it witches? A curse? A wraith? Oh my god you’re pregnant."

It comes out in a single breath, and Killian’s eyes widen to saucers. Okay. Maybe not pregnant.

"We just wanted you to hear this in person before anyone told you."

“ _Are you dying_?”

"We’re getting married!" Killian cuts in looking as stressed as Henry feels, and, yeah, maybe he was being a little dramatic.

"Oh."

His mom huffs indignantly. “We came all this way to tell you we were getting married and all you have is ‘oh’?”

"Well…yeah. I mean, Killian asked me for permission like, six months ago, I figured it would take him less time than that to actually ask you."

"Thank you, Henry, I had hoped to keep that bit to myself, but please, tell your mother all about how long I’ve been carrying around the ring."

"Well, I told you six months ago she’d say yes, it’s not like this is all shocking news to me. You seriously drove all the way down here to tell me you stopped procrastinating?"

Killian’s jaw twitches, his fingers tapping out a shaky rhythm against the table, and Emma sighs, reaching her hand across the table, the intricate knotting of the engagement ring he’d helped Killian pick out shining in the candlelight. 

"We missed you, kid."

Okay. They're maybe not the worst parents to have.

——

"You guys are the best. Seriously. The best. I love you forever and ever and I will never ever say anything snarky to you ever again."

Killian looks disbelieving even as Henry hugs him again. “Never again?”

"Well, not today."

His laughter booms across the loft, and Henry stares at the keys in his hand, beaming at both of his moms, who are looking rather pleased with themselves. 

"Just to remind you - grades stay up, _no felonies_ are committed, and you pay all the bills except rent.”

"No, yeah, I can do that. I’m not even gonna throw a party until -." Yeah, no, that’s the patented Swan look of punishment. "Until never."

"Quite the save, mate."

Henry opens his mouth to respond, and then snaps it back shut, and Killian gives him an amused half smile, clearly surprised Henry managed to quell the comeback. 

"You guys are seriously _the best_ ,” he tells them as he goes in for another round of hugs.

——

"Worst. Worst worst worst."

Killian had been helping with moving him into the house they’d rented out for him close to campus, and the sorority across the street had taken notice of him some time ago, but this…this is grossly uncool.

It’s the last week before school starts, the dog days of summer, and they haven’t had a heat like this in a while, and there are literally thirty girls watching his step father from lounge chairs across the street while he mows the lawn, and his mom is laughing hysterically at his reaction to the whole ordeal. 

"God, just _put on_ a freaking shirt, Killian, you are the worst!”


End file.
